The Hand Returns

I may not have been getting out enough given how long it's been since I've seen something that just called out to be put up here. I bought underwear today. You can shout, "TMI!" all you want, but the underwear I bought came with this label. Wedgie free underwear. Wedgie free? Since when did underwear inflict wedgies? Wedgies are inflicted by big brothers; I have photos of older son's atomic wedgie of younger son that should likely be destroyed before I die and they're thrown open to the world for viewing. Or perhaps big sisters; since I never had a sister, I can't really comment on what sisters might inflict on one another. All I know is that underwear in and of itself does not administer wedgies; therefore, to label it "wedgie free" is inappropriate. As for whether someone else can inflict a wedgie on me when I wear the new underwear, well, that is TMI, thank you very much.

Check Them for What?

I can't say I'd feel comfortable leaving my kid(s) here.

If It Sounds Too Good To Be True ...

why not go for it? So, do you want to lose 10 to 15 pounds instantly and with no surgery and no strenuous dieting? It's supposedly easier than you think! Just order a pair of these babies, magnetic slimming panties, and you'll be set. How can you argue with hundreds of healing magnets that boost your metabolism, improve your circulation, and relieve any body aches and pains you might be feeling? How does this take off 10 to 15 pounds instantly? You apparently have to purchase two pairs and take advantage of the free shipping and handling, which makes the cost $25.98. The weight of a Lincoln, Memorial Reverse penny dated mid-1982 to the present is 2.5 grams, which means that 2,598 or them weigh (unseen conversion to English units here) just over 14 pounds. You lose a bit more weight if some of the pennies are Lincoln, Memorial Reverse 1959 to mid-1982, because these weigh a bit more, 3.11 grams each.

I Am So Boycotting this Brand

On the Sunday before Mother's Day no less this ad appeared in one of the paper's coupon inserts. When shown this, older son was brave enough to observe, "That's wrong. You can live with a dirty bathroom. Cooking is the job that really matters." Hearing this, younger son contributed that that might not be true because as long as they had a grill, men didn't necessarily need a woman to cook for them. I wish I could say that they were taking me out to dinner for Mother's Day to atone for their callousness, but I'll be cooking that night, making dinner for my mother. And while my bathroom actually does need cleaning, don't look for Mr. Clean to be helping me once I get around to it.

Pork Inspirations

Shades of the first post on this blog, today's topic is pork. You know, pork, the other white meat. (I have a bumper sticker that proclaims cat as the other white meat, but that's a whole other subject.) Except that pork is no longer the other white meat. That slogan has been relegated to "heritage" status in favor of Pork Be Inspired. Or, as the pork folks put it, "Building on the success of The Other White Meat, which will remain as a heritage brand, Pork Be inspired communicates to the legion of pork fans that pork is delicious, versatile and can stand on its own – there is no need to rely on comparisons with other meats. Pork Be inspired is really about celebrating everything that is wonderful and unique about pork." Everything that is wonderful and unique about pork? How about that no other meat that I know appears in anything like the pork rinds with which Talk from The Hand started. As for other pork-inspired notions, we won't go there, at least not here.

Baby Genius Fabric? Give Me a Break!

When I need fabric for a quilt or other project, my go-to place is equilter.com. I also receive print catalogs from Keepsake Quilting and Hancock's of Paducah. I had quite an interesting reaction to a line of fabric included in the most recent Hancock's catalog. There are many genres of fabric that I would never buy, but in most cases I can think of someone who would, quilters being a very diverse lot. I'm not sure a fabric or fabric line has ever raised my blood pressure before, but this one did. The fabric line in question is the "Baby Genius Speaks Up" line from Benartex. Here's the description from the catalog. So, let me get this straight. This line of fabrics is going to help my baby learn sounds? I need fabric for that? I need this specific fabric for that? Isn't anything I say to my baby about anything going to help said baby learn sounds?

Perhaps it's because the fabrics themselves are designed around the works of famous artists or genres of art. This, for example, is one of the colorways of the Dada fabric. The line also includes Cubism and Picasso. I can't believe that they think I'd use the fabric to discuss art and artists with a baby. I certainly don't need this fabric, or any fabric for that matter, to share colors with my baby either.

If I want a fabric something through which I can interact and play with my baby, the simplest thing may well be an I-Spy quilt made of shapes cup from novelty fabric. "I spy a puppy! Do you see a puppy?" "I spy something green! Do you see something green?" That sounds just so much more fun and age-appropriate than "Can you show me the Dada square?" What? Babies are a market force, you say, in terms of their parents' buying power? If we make it and tell them their baby needs it, they will buy it? I think I need a glass of wine.

Is There an Editor in the House?

I expect better from The Washington Post than this sentence-long paragraph I found in one of the short reports in today's Sports section. The article concerned the naming of Mike Munchak as head coach of the NFL's Tennessee Titans. I actually wish I remembered more about diagramming sentences so I could try it with this one. Ready?

"This will be the first head coaching job for Munchak, who turns 51 in March, with the only franchise the offensive line coach and Hall of Fame lineman has ever played or worked for since being selected eighth overall by the franchise, then in Houston, in 1982."